This Is Not Philosophy

Funny quips from the annals of Philosophy

While philosophers have a reputation for being as heavy 🏋️‍♂️ as they are deep 🌊, the following stories from the annals of Philosophy is evidence that philosophers can be pretty darn funny, not only with their ironic and occasionally witty ways with words, but also by doing really ridiculous things.

Let’s start with Socrates himself, the Greek philosopher and first martyr to our cause. Consider the delightful irony of Socrates’ declaration, “I know that I know nothing.” Not only does Socrates cleverly critique the pretense to knowledge for which Sophists would charge actual money, but by admitting his own lack of knowledge, Socrates ironically positions himself as above them. As an ironic quip, you cannot tell me it is not right up there with Oscar Wilde’s “I can resist anything except temptation.”

Thales of Miletus, one of the Seven Sages of Greece and a pre-Socratic philosopher known for his belief that “all is water,” reportedly fell into a well while he was stargazing. A Thracian servant girl laughed at him — and there is nothing worse than being laughed at by a girl — saying he was so intent on the stars that he couldn’t see what was in front of him. This anecdote has been interpreted as a metaphor for philosophers’ penchant for overlooking the obvious in pursuit of the ethereal.

There was also the time that Empedocles jumped into a volcano, but that is maybe not so funny as it is dramatic. Still, if you want to read the story, you can find it here: The Death Of Philosophers.

Diogenes of Sinope, the infamous Cynic philosopher, is known for his eccentricities, but one of his most famous acts involves Alexander the Great. The story goes that Alexander, impressed by Diogenes’ reputation, found him basking in the sun and offered him any boon he desired. Diogenes, without missing a beat, asked Alexander to move aside because he was blocking the sunlight. This scene is a delightful intersection of power and philosophical indifference, where the greatest conqueror of the ancient world is essentially told to step aside by a lowly philosopher.

Also, when asked what wine he liked best, Diogenes replied, “That which belongs to another.” Not only is Diogenes making a point about his disregard for property, but he is also subtly critiquing societal conventions around ownership and what makes something desirable. Imagine if the next time someone asks you what your favorite X is, look them up and down keenly and covet something of theirs, see what results. (This is called “experimental philosophy,” but truly, I would only recommend you do this exercise in your imagination because all those free things will only clutter your life. 😉)

Then there’s Voltaire, the sharp-tongued Enlightenment wit, who quipped, “God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.” Voltaire gets straight at the fear underlying the believers’ faith in an omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent being who judges our human actions and doles out eternal punishments. Like with so many other jokes, if you have to explain why this existence is absurdly hilarious, it kind of loses it’s humor.

Not to be outdone, Nietzsche offers us a darker brand of humor with his observation, “In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.” Nietzsche’s jape dances on the grave of conventional morality, cheekily suggesting that sanctity might be a tad overrated compared to the vivacious company of the damned. It’s the philosopher’s way of winking at us, nudging us to reconsider our ideals of virtue and vice.

There was also that time that he said, “God is dead.” That was also pretty funny.